On Harvard’s quest for gender balance in the faculty

Dear Dean Kirby,

I don't begrudge you the passionate desire to bring in more girls, and there is an evident connection between the presence of beautiful women and the inspiration and sacrifices that science requires of men (see Renaissance, Italian; cf. Greece, Classical). I wonder whether you are doing enough to promote reproduction, however–will one or two years be enough? Why not give tenure with an unlimited leave of absence to beautiful women who promise to be good playmates and worthy mothers. Obviously you cannot wait for applications to come over the transom–you will need an intensive, proactive global search for these women, led by smart, enterprising, handsome young men. Of course, you cannot wait for applications to come over the transom for these men either! I volunteer to head up a search committee.

I'm afraid that if you don't take my advice seriously, I'll have to stop vaguely promising, as I do now, to start paying back your large loans to me at some point in the distant future.

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